Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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