I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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