dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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