when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
