so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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