I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
