I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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