haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if only i could text you this smell
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
