Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
