I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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