Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
