My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
