you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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