worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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