i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
