i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
