I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
