I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
