insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
