Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
