My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
