There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
