my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
