Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
