my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
