The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
