if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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