Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
