1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
