He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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