The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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