My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
