i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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