i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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