You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
