So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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