if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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