there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
