So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
