I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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