just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.†\nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
