sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
