Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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