I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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