OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
