so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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