Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You made out with two different species that night
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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