Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
