Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
