Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
