Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
