My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't deserve a penis
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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